What "Weighs" on My Mind

I have been having trouble with my weight the last couple years. When I say trouble, what I really mean is that I have been gaining weight pretty steadily for the last four years. It's very frustrating because I don't feel like I am eating any differently than I did 5 or 10 years ago.

I did find out a couple years ago that I have a thyroid issue. It is under-active so it is possible that my weight problem is related to a true medical issue. But still, I think that my metabolism is changing for the worse as I get older, regardless of my thyroid. I have never been one to exercise very much. I really hate to exercise. I have been trying to exercise more in the last two years and I've been moderately successful. I joined jazzercise and I bought a stationary bike that I use periodically. I've been so stressed and busy with work lately that I haven't been going to jazzercise or using my bike.  I know I need to get back to it, but I'm not very motivated.

So I think I gained like 25 pounds or more over the last few years. That's terrible and very disturbing to me since I only gained 25 pounds with each pregnancy and I lost it fairly quickly after. I have been in denial about the need to buy new clothes because I kept telling myself that the weight would come back off soon. So recently I started buying clothes that fit me right and I have to say that I feel better because I'm not so self conscious about being heavy. Still, I fell defeated because buying the bigger size makes me feel like I lost the battle with my weight.

The thing is, so far I am not really ready to sacrifice all the things I love to eat. I love ice cream and cookies and chocolate. I try not to eat all that stuff but usually my willpower dissolves and I have something sugary. I went through a phase where I ate cereal every night for dinner. I thought that was cutting my daily calorie intake by at least 500 calories. I still gained weight. I'm starting to really wonder if I will ever be my old size again. I guess I have to really get serious about cutting calories. Not sure how to build up that willpower. Each day I tell myself that this will be the day I start. I thought that day might be today until I got to work and saw that someone brought in doughnuts. I'm not even supposed to like doughnuts - they are lard filled carbs with loads of sugar. But they had the blueberry doughnut with the sugary glaze on the outside and I really feel like those are so close to blueberry muffins that they can't be too bad for you right? I mean, if there's blueberries in them, that counts as fruit, right? Yeah, well I ate it. So then I realized that today's not the day. Maybe tomorrow will be the day. Guess it won't matter since on the news they said that the world is ending tomorrow. Hopefully God won't care how much I weigh when I make my way up to Heaven. Maybe in Heaven I'll be skinny. One can hope.